Today was a weird day. I was in kind of a depressed mood all day. I started my IV infusions of prednisone this morning. It was probably my worst day yet feeling wise. I was severely run down and my face was the color of the snow outside. I’m also starting to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had gained a few pounds but this morning I was back down to 90 lbs. I want to be able to be back at the gym and be able to do more than one thing a day. I went to dinner tonight with some of my girlfriends and our moms. This is a Thursday night tradition for us and has been for about 7 years. Going to dinner broke up my day a little and made me in a better mood seeing I was around people. But even being out for the couple hours I was, I came home and was exhausted. It’s crazy how little I can do. I feel pretty well when I’m home but that’s because I just lay on the couch and rest. As some people call it being “lazy” but sometimes that’s how life with Crohn’s is. I hate complaining, usually only my mom hears my complaints, but my frustration is just growing, and hey this is my outlet right. I’m as positive as I can be but sometimes you just have these days.
As I lay here hooked up to my IV, I can’t help but think why was I chosen to deal with this. Everyone has their problems in life, and deals with them differently. I wouldn’t wish this disease upon anyone. I’m envious of the people surrounding me being able to finish college on time and lead normal lives and hold down a job. I know I will have my time and my life will figure itself out but right now it just sucks. There’s really no other way to describe it.
I always try to put at least one positive thought in each of my blog posts. This effort has actually been helping me a lot. I guess I can say I am thankful this disease has made me as strong as it has. It could always be worse. I’m a strong person, but I couldn’t get through this alone. No way in hell could I get through this alone. It is something that eats you from the inside out. First meeting me you would never know I have Crohn’s. I look like any other twenty-one year old girl out there. And sometimes that is the hardest part. I have a love-hate relationship with this “invisible” disease. Obviously I don’t want that to be the first thing people find out about me. But sometimes it is too easy to hide. Or at least most of my life I’ve done a damn good job doing so. Not anymore though, I’m done hiding it. Take it or leave it, it’s me.
Writing this blog I’ve already had people coming to me for advice or help, and for people to look to me for that is amazing. Maybe this is why I was given this disease. To help other people get through their hard times. Crohn’s Disease isn’t who I am but I wouldn’t be who I am today if I wasn’t fighting this battle. And yes, it is a long, hard battle. But that’s life. Whattya gunna do.