WHHYYYYY

Okay, so my title was a little dramatic. But why not. And this isn’t a negative response, it’s actually a liberating one. Why do people think so much, why do people care so much what others think, why not just live your life how YOU want it. I think that is the only way to ultimate happiness. Recognizing this for me has been a big step. People are so afraid of disappointing others, they’re so afraid of what “might happen”. The only person in life you should be truly worry about disappointing in your life is yourself. It is inevitable you will disappoint important people to you, there is no way around it. But they will get over it. Freaking live your life and stop being so afraid. Go back to school at age 50, go for that interview you didn’t think you’d ever have a chance at, talk to that handsome/gorgeous intimidating guy/girl you see everyday at work or in the gym, stand up to that prick boss of yours. If you don’t do it, you will never know. And you know what’s worse than a potential rejection, the constant wonder of “what if”.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love, take a chance, risk everything, go for it. If it doesn’t work out at least you tried and you can move on without wondering. Work towards a goal, set your mind to something. Don’t let life make you it’s bitch, make life YOUR bitch. Do with it what you want and if someone doesn’t like that then they can go back into their little hole of content. We all want to be content with life, when we all should be striving for ultimate happiness. Of course, life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but it’s what you make of it that matters.

I have recently noticed my whole life I have been looking for something or someone to make me happy. When my key to happiness was right in front of me, sounds corny (well it kind of is, but I like being corny sometimes), and I mean it wasn’t literally in front of me but it was me, myself. You can’t find happiness unless you find it in yourself first. I’ve read a lot of blogs and a lot of articles and a lot of all that stupid stuff on Facebook everyone reposts about how awesome it is finding love a boyfriend and yadda yadda and it all brought me to this conclusion. If I can’t be happy with myself, I won’t be happy with anyone I don’t care who it is no matter how much of that shit I read.

I’ve never had set priorities and goals in my life that I acted on and I often blamed it on my disease. Not that it hasn’t caused me a substantial amount of frustration and made me put my life on hold at some points. Obstacles are inevitable with such an unpredictable disease, in fact life in general you will always have them. I have always laughed about having Crohn’s and stayed positive about it but I have let it control some of my long term goals. I was afraid to go back to school and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get through nursing school without getting sick. I was ultimately afraid of success because there was a chance of failure. I wanted it, but I was too focused on the risk and not the potential reward. I have reached a point where I have real goals and I will reach them, even if it takes me longer than most. Yeah it’s nice to hear someone tell you they are proud of you, but an even better feeling is confidently being able to say “Yanno what, I’m really proud of myself”.

I have never been so happy with myself as an individual, ever. Yeah things go wrong but when they do me being happy with myself allows me to get over it and continue on. I’m not saying my life isn’t pretty frustrating right now because it is but I’ve accepted the fact even when it is there’s still no reason not to be happy about something. Right now the most important “goals” in my life are school and sounds mediocre but staying fit. This is one thing I know I can have control over and it is really an awesome feeling, especially doing this while battling a chronic illness. My quality of life right now, in this moment, is all that matters and I know I can optimize that by staying physically fit.

But anyways back to WHYYYY (lol). I just don’t understand it anymore. Life is one big leap of faith. There’s no need to complicate life. If you want to say something, say it! If you want to do something, damnit, do it! Stop hesitating. Don’t do something if you don’t want to. Be a little selfish sometimes. Put your trust in someone, they might surprise you. Hell, you might surprise yourself! But also on a side note, never forget the little things in life. Do something nice for someone else, compliment someone, make someone smile. We feed off of each other’s energy, and don’t you feel good when you’re the reason someone might be a tad bit happier today? Just let go and stop being so concerned with what bad might happen, because you never know it might just end up being the best thing that has ever happened to you.

life

Annnnd that’s a wrap on my corny, inspirational, venting sesh. Take it for what you want 😉

-xoMichelle

oooomffff, living the life.

bowels working ecard

Well I was trying to do my English work that was due at midnight but I cannot concentrate and I am having a horrible hot flash.

It all started a few weeks ago, not sure if it’s the season change or stress of school. I don’t think I’m stressed out about school  because I’m doing really good and like it but maybe subconsciously? By “it all started” I mean the exhaustion, countless bathroom trips, and severe stomach pain. I can see it slowly progressing each day. The other night I was up sitting on the toilet for hours and woke up in the morning with such severe stomach pain I had to take a pain pill to get out of bed and force myself to go to my anatomy lab this morning. Thank god I was done at 2:30. I came home and slept for about three hours. It really never ends does it.

Well, got off the phone with my doctor today. He sounded pretty disappointed, just as I was. This was really my last option available right now for treatment and it is clearly not working because I have constant pain. Even when prednisoneecardgoodI feel good, I still have pain. There is a treatment right around the corner but not sure exactly how far that corner is. I don’t know much about it other than it is approved for rheumatoid arthritis and in trials for Crohn’s. We’ll see. Before anything he wants to do a colonoscopy -____- But really before anything we can say good bye to this thin, proportionate face thank you to my 2934838753rd time on prednisone, which started yesterday. Already experiencing hot flashes, moodiness, and insomnia (as you can see it is 2am). And also awaiting my hip and knee replacements at age 30.

It’s constant frustration lately. I haven’t been having much fluctuation in my weight so yes in fact, I look good. Don’t, please, for your own good, ever say the three words “you look good” to a sick Crohnie. WE KNOW! This is in fact an invisible disease meaning unless you are my doctor with a camera up my butt you cannot see this illness. I haven’t been able to eat before 5pm most days without feeling terrible amounts of pain and several potty emergencies in the hour to follow (refer back to my post “Potty Emergencies 101” if you are confused as to what I am talking about…). I can’t even look at food lately. Never ask a Crohnie to finish their meal, or why they are not eating. I don’t care if it is a perfectly cooked filet mignon and a scoop of fluffy garlic mashed potatoes stomach achewith a side of perfectly seasoned mixed vegetables; it is nauseating. Also, don’t force a Crohnie to push themselves harder than they already have. We know what we can and can’t do and we are probably already past our limit of what we should be doing.

I do a lot of nothing lately. Not by choice, but because of this annoyingly life-consuming disease I’ve been blessed with, and the essence behind this whole blog of course. Sometimes I feel like I need to give everyone I meet a detailed medical pamphlet with every little thing drawn out about Crohn’s disease for them to remotely understand. I mean you will never fully understand unless you go through it, as with most situations in life.  But with Crohn’s a stomach ache is not just a stomach ache, “I’m tired” isn’t just “I’m tired”, and in most cases “I don’t feel good” is just a nice way of saying I feel like someone is ripping out my intestines and setting them on fire so try to be at least a little sympathetic or leave me the hell alone.

Crohn’s is indeed a huge pain in the ass, but it isn’t all shitty all the time.. ahah well some of the time. The moral of the story is you don’t know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have. Yeah, it sucks but it could be alllloooot worse. All this talk about different potential cures on Facebook and social media I read all the time is great and all but, I tend to focus on the now, who knows we might not be here tomorrow. So hell, throw a smile on and in between your bouts of excruciating pain and embarrassing potty emergencies find a reason to smile. Laughter is the best medicine. And if you can’t laugh eventually about the weird, awkward situations you will encounter as a Crohnie because they are a lot more frequent than one would think, you’ll go crazy. So I threw in a few pretty funny ecards I found to hopefully get the rest of you Crohnies laughing hopefully at least a little bit!

doing nothing ecard

…said no healthy person ever lol

English can wait till tomorrow. Turning my AC back on because these hot flashes are worse than trying to put makeup on in the dead of summer. Sweet dreams errrrybody.

-xoMichelle