“Hey, it’s me again!” -CD

Hey! 🙂 First of all, today marks almost exactly 13 months of me having this blog! I couldn’t be happier with the outcome of it so far. I’ve talked to people all over the world through this and have met some truly amazing people. This past year has been nothing but a roller coaster. It’s been calming down lately being on Entyvio, but side effects still prevail… You have to weigh though what you’re willing to go through to feel good, and compared to some of the stuff I’ve been through these side affects are pretty miniscule.

But on another note, Crohn’s never fails so remind you “Hey! I’m still here, don’t forget about me!” even when you’re at your healthiest. I’ve had a few days here and there with severe stomach pain and exhaustion. A lot of people think that just because you’re having a bout of feeling good, it means your cured. Well people, there is NO cure for Crohn’s disease! I know people who don’t experience it have a hard time grasping it but it drives me crazy when someone thinks I’m cured just because I’m feeling good right now. We just go into remission (sometimes clinical, sometimes you just know), and that could last weeks, months, and for the lucky ones even years. But it is so unpredictable it could come and bite you in the ass within seconds, minutes, or hours. Don’t get me wrong, overall I am still feeling pretty great, but I’m starting to think my body is programmed that after I feel good for a few weeks it just sends a little reminder, you’re still sick! Don’t forget! lol It’s really frigggen annoying. The other day I couldn’t eat anything without having severe abdominal pain I literally had to concentrate on breathing just to get through them. They’re almost worse than the really awful flares and hospital stays because they interrupt your workout, delicious dinner, class, or whatever you’re doing just to remind you you’re not completely normal. They interrupt your times of feeling so good you almost forget the disease is even there.

I haven’t been in remission in probably 10 years, and if you were to ask my doctor, looking at my latest colonoscopy, I’m still not “clinically” in remission, but I have very mild active disease. Now seeing it written down that sounds crazy I have been constantly battling this for ten years with few to no breaks from it. I’ve been diagnosed for about thirteen years, but I definitely had it several years before my PCP just had a stick up his ass and wouldn’t give me a referral to a specialist. But, like I’ve said before having this disease has made me into who I am. And like people say some things keep you humble, this disease is definitely one of them. Each little “hello, I’m still here” puts it all in perspective. It allows me to live everyday to the fullest because it literally could be your last.

I can’t believe it’s already been a year I’ve had my blog. Thank you to everyone whose been following along and whose read some of it! And thank you to all f my fellow Crohnie’s who have supported me! 🙂

But, it’s time to watch the Bachelor 😀 I’ll catch ya all later!

-xoMichelle

Bleh. Frustration, complaining, whatever you wanna call it.

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Today was a weird day. I was in kind of a depressed mood all day. I started my IV infusions of prednisone this morning. It was probably my worst day yet feeling wise. I was severely run down and my face was the color of the snow outside. I’m also starting to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had gained a few pounds but this morning I was back down to 90 lbs. I want to be able to be back at the gym and be able to do more than one thing a day. I went to dinner tonight with some of my girlfriends and our moms. This is a Thursday night tradition for us and has been for about 7 years. Going to dinner broke up my day a little and made me in a better mood seeing I was around people. But even being out for the couple hours I was, I came home and was exhausted. It’s crazy how little I can do. I feel pretty well when I’m home but that’s because I just lay on the couch and rest. As some people call it being “lazy” but sometimes that’s how life with Crohn’s is. I hate complaining, usually only my mom hears my complaints, but my frustration is just growing, and hey this is my outlet right. I’m as positive as I can be but sometimes you just have these days.

As I lay here hooked up to my IV, I can’t help but think why was I chosen to deal with this. Everyone has their problems in life, and deals with them differently. I wouldn’t wish this disease upon anyone. I’m envious of the people surrounding me being able to finish college on time and lead normal lives and hold down a job. I know I will have my time and my life will figure itself out but right now it just sucks. There’s really no other way to describe it.

I always try to put at least one positive thought in each of my blog posts. This effort has actually been helping me a lot. I guess I can say I am thankful this disease has made me as strong as it has. It could always be worse. I’m a strong person, but I couldn’t get through this alone. No way in hell could I get through this alone. It is something that eats you from the inside out. First meeting me you would never know I have Crohn’s. I look like any other twenty-one year old girl out there. And sometimes that is the hardest part. I have a love-hate relationship with this “invisible” disease. Obviously I don’t want that to be the first thing people find out about me. But sometimes it is too easy to hide. Or at least most of my life I’ve done a damn good job doing so. Not anymore though, I’m done hiding it. Take it or leave it, it’s me.

Writing this blog I’ve already had people coming to me for advice or help, and for people to look to me for that is amazing. Maybe this is why I was given this disease. To help other people get through their hard times. Crohn’s Disease isn’t who I am but I wouldn’t be who I am today if I wasn’t fighting this battle. And yes, it is a long, hard battle. But that’s life. Whattya gunna do.