Excuse my French, but today was that kinda day. The past few days I haven’t been feeling that well at all. Been going to the bathroom a lot and lost all fight in me for a second when I looked down in the toilet (after sprinting out of my microbiology lab) and saw blood… Like wtf. Can we catch a break sometimes?! Like longer than a month in the past ten years! Blood and mucus and literally running to the bathroom with every bite of food I’d eat. I tried to eat a lot of calories tonight even though it wasn’t the healthiest food choices I do not want to put myself in the position of losing a lot of weight. I’m hoping this will resolve itself without any medication but that’s usually not the case. I feel like this happens so often I mention it to friends or anyone and they just completely disregard it, and ignore it. It makes the battle even harder, I’m sure my Crohnie’s know what I’m talking about. Again, I never look for sympathy but it does make a difference, you might even make someone’s day better just a simple “feel better” or something. I know people around me get sick or annoyed when I talk about it a lot or say “I don’t feel good” a lot. But I don’t make this stuff up… I get sick of being sick. And the hardest part of it all is I take such good care of my body. Exercising, eating healthy, rest. And it doesn’t even matter.
It seems like it’s never going to end. Well I guess in reality it isn’t hah. I’ve definitely already accepted that but some days are much, much harder than others. It’s the unpredictable nature of the disease that’s the worst and I believe a hard concept for others to grasp. I mean I didn’t feel that great but I was still able to bust my butt yesterday at the gym and today walking to and from class was difficult. I either had severe lower abdominal pain or panic that I wasn’t close enough to the bathroom.
Actually something interesting happened the other day. In Anatomy Lab we were testing our hematocrit levels and my professor was describing how the buffer after separation (WBC’s and platelets) should be so small, to the naked eye it’s non-existent. Well, I saw mine.. Pretty damn clear too. This actually explains a lot. I could be having a huge flare and my blood work never shows much at all except for elevated WBCs. Woohoo thanks for the heads up A&P! -__-
Well getting words out and writing definitely helps turn my thought process around but I’m still frustrated as hell. Especially when I’d like to go out with my friends this weekend but I know if I push myself and even have one drink that’s a totally and completely horrible idea. Oh well, l guess life never gives us battles that we’re not strong enough to fight.
Prednisone was beginning to be a miracle worker, per usual. I literally felt like super woman lol It was so so soooo nice to be in the gym full force and have energy to get up in the morning and last throughout the day. Today was just one giant step backward. That is, if this is my flare breaking through the prednisone or the dreaded viruses/bugs you see this time of the year. I know that it is inevitable to have days like this, but it was such a drastic change from how I was feeling. That is, after I weighed myself and totally freaked out at the number 93 that popped up in front of my feet. I even got off and back on to make sure it wasn’t just the scale. Nope, it was the truth. I’ve lost about 7lbs in just a few days.
I’ve consistently been on 40 mg of prednisone for about two weeks now. Side affects, oh the side affects. Just noticed my face getting puffy 😦 and my mood swings have been so frustrating to not only me but the people around me. It’s so strange how medication can affect your head. I am like a crazy person one minute and the next I’m in the best mood ever and I know exactly when it’s the medicine. I have tried to control it by recognizing when I get that crazy feeling (I know it sounds weird) and then taking a step backward whether that be just stop talking/doing what I’m doing or explaining to the person I am being crazy towards/around the dealio. It’s hard being on prednisone around people who don’t understand how big it’s affects are lol They don’t believe it can actually make you angry, emotional, super happy, or anything. It’s hard getting anyone to understand anything about the medications we take, how we feel, etc. But all we can do is try.
Although my rapid weight loss I’m not sure if this is my Crohn’s acting up more or a bug/virus. My mom was sick last night and today and I started feeling terrible today. I still have no appetite, to the point where I need to force myself to eat. I know it’s not the healthiest thing (which drives me crazy because eating good and being fit/healthy is so important to me) but when I can’t eat I try to drink a lot of my calories whether it be 550 calorie drinks from Starbucks, juices, or even soda. I am at the point where anything I can tolerate I need to eat. If I lose anymore weight I could be looking at a hospital stay. One thing I’ve been good at this time around is staying hydrated. I cooked a bunch of food tonight thinking I’d eat more if it was already made (it works most of the time) but healthy food just rips up my stomach, ugh. It’s so frustrating. I needed to eat something desperately tonight. I had to resort to McDonald’s chicken nuggets and French fries. I still to this day have no idea how or why that is the only food I can eat when I’m really flaring up but if you have Crohn’s or colitis you know you will do or eat anything you can to keep weight on. Because losing too much weight usually, as I said earlier, results in a hospital stay.
Well I had to take a pain pill because of my stomach pain tonight -___- And it made me feel pretty weak, Weak enough to not want to keep typing lol but my stomach pain is better and I’m a little hungry so I’m gunna try to eat something. Apologies that this post was pretty damn boring but sometimes I just needa write for myself. Sweet dreams everybody 🙂 Happy Tuesday.