What The F&#*

Excuse my French, but today was that kinda day. The past few days I haven’t been feeling that well at all. Been going to the bathroom a lot and lost all fight in me for a second when I looked down in the toilet (after sprinting out of my microbiology lab) and saw blood… Like wtf. Can we catch a break sometimes?! Like longer than a month in the past ten years! Blood and mucus and literally running to the bathroom with every bite of food I’d eat. I tried to eat a lot of calories tonight even though it wasn’t the healthiest food choices I do not want to put myself in the position of losing a lot of weight. I’m hoping this will resolve itself without any medication but that’s usually not the case. I feel like this happens so often I mention it to friends or anyone and they just completely disregard it, and ignore it. It makes the battle even harder, I’m sure my Crohnie’s know what I’m talking about. Again, I never look for sympathy but it does make a difference, you might even make someone’s day better just a simple “feel better” or something. I know people around me get sick or annoyed when I talk about it a lot or say “I don’t feel good” a lot. But I don’t make this stuff up… I get sick of being sick. And the hardest part of it all is I take such good care of my body. Exercising, eating healthy, rest. And it doesn’t even matter.

It seems like it’s never going to end. Well I guess in reality it isn’t hah. I’ve definitely already accepted that but some days are much, much harder than others. It’s the unpredictable nature of the disease that’s the worst and I believe a hard concept for others to grasp. I mean I didn’t feel that great but I was still able to bust my butt yesterday at the gym and today walking to and from class was difficult. I either had severe lower abdominal pain or panic that I wasn’t close enough to the bathroom.

Actually something interesting happened the other day. In Anatomy Lab we were testing our hematocrit levels and my professor was describing how the buffer after separation (WBC’s and platelets) should be so small, to the naked eye it’s non-existent. Well, I saw mine.. Pretty damn clear too. This actually explains a lot. I could be having a huge flare and my blood work never shows much at all except for elevated WBCs. Woohoo thanks for the heads up A&P! -__-

Well getting words out and writing definitely helps turn my thought process around but I’m still frustrated as hell. Especially when I’d like to go out with my friends this weekend but I know if I push myself and even have one drink that’s a totally and completely horrible idea. Oh well, l guess life never gives us battles that we’re not strong enough to fight.

ibd

-xoMichelle

And so it starts…

Well, down to 10mg of prednisone and the Stelara is officially out of my system. I’ve never in my life has this little medicine in my body. I guess which is good to kind of cleanse my system of it all but it’s also bad news bears. Today I was posted up in bed and on my couch sipping on chicken noodle soup and hot chocolate. Granted it’s freezing out so at least I kept warm (hah). But needless to say I’m feeling like crap and my insides are bleeding and a mess. I mean you wouldn’t know because “I look great!” Especially from the weight I’ve put on from this extended dose of prednisone. I registered at the hospital for the fecal transplant trial today and made my appointments. I’m due to get it on April 10th. I’m extremely nervous the colonoscopy is going to make me sick and not allow for the transplant to work. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worse. This timeline kind of sucks for being sick though. The St. Patrick’s day parade near me is next Saturday and if I’m feeling this bad now I can’t even imagine how I’ll be feeling then and I do have plans to go to it with my girlfriends.

I haven’t had this lack of interest and motivation in a while. Some may call it depressed but I don’t like that word.. It’s a toxic word. I’m just under the weather not only physically but mentally as well. And I know it’s from not feeling good because the past week has been pretty exciting regarding my future and growing my dad’s business as a family business. I’ll expand more on that at some other point, when my mood is a little more chipper. You just get to the point where you don’t really care and just try to get through the day and onto the next. Actually now that I put it that way it sounds kind of pathetic. But that’s the life of a Crohnie from time to time. You have to expect these types of days. They’re unavoidable.

To make this situation worse I’m stuck here in my apartment pretty damn lonesome. Why, you ask? Okay maybe you didn’t ask but I was going to tell you anyways. The pup is at home with my parents. I left her there because my neighbor downstairs complained she barked too much when I wasn’t home. Even though they have to be lying because I take her everywhere with me or leave her at my parents when I’m gone for an extended period of time. So that’s a crock of bs. But anyways, I decided to leave her at home for a few days. And screw them downstairs I’m lonely so she’s coming back tomorrow. I’m just in a bad mood. I was feeling so good for a while. I definitely took advantage of that which was good. But, now I’m back to square one. Yeah, I have something treatment wise to look forward to but it’s not that promising. At least for the long term.

So, that’s all she wrote. Literally. Don’t have much to say tonight just wanted to get out my frustrations of being sick and update all my followers on how I’m doing… which is not good. Boooo. I’m starving and I can’t eat. Throwing myself a pity party then going to bed. Because we are allowed to do that once in a while. Goodnight my fellow Crohnies.

-xo Michelle